When Times Get Rough, I Ask Myself "WWSPD"?

I love me some Jesus. I really do. I try to live my life in a way that He would want me to- I am kind to others, I try not to hurt peoples' feelings- but there are times when I need to look to another source to measure my moral compass. When such events try to derail me and I need to step back and take a moment, all I do is ask myself "What would Spencer Pratt do?" After some quick meditation and consulting my magic crystals, I usually know the answer.

This becomes a fun game and I am now going to toss out some training scenarios so you at home can also employ the "WWSPD" method to solve all of life's problems. Play along and see if your reactions would measure up to the usually sane, calm methods that Spencer Pratt and I resort to when life throws us lemons. Make lemonade? Yeah right. We'd take those lemons, throw them at cyclists, steal their bikes, and then sell them off for some fat cash so that we could buy our honey plastic surgery or ourselves some new shades. 'Cuz that's how me and Spencer roll.

Let's begin...

Scenario #1: You are trying desperately to prove to your significant other that you are a sane, kind person who is worthy of their love. You must convince him or her that your motives are pure and not to use that significant other to become famous, alienate all of his/her best friends, or that you will eventually paint grafitti all over his/her apartment walls and pass it off as art. Hmmmm...WWSPD?

Answer: This scenario is right up Spencer's ally. First of all, you bring your significant other flowers but make sure that they are the leftover flowers that your last conquest politely declined. That way you're not wasting money on more than one person while keeping your options open. Next, spread really vicious rumors about your girl or boy's best friends and pass it off like their other friends tipped them off. This will drive a big fat wedge between your honey and all of their friends and right into your waiting arms. Once you have that person's trust, ultimatum them into moving in with you, use the promise of lots of fame to trick them into signing a lease, and get ready to buy paint colors- you have sealed the deal! While your out shopping for paint, pick up another cell phone so that your boys still have a "homeboy phone" to hit up when those random playmates want to hang at Les Deux...this step is integral in the WWSPD handbook of solutions. If all of this doesn't work, your significant other is not worth it in Spencer's eyes because they are not dumb enough to play along with all of your awesomeness.

Are we having fun? Let's try another...

Scenario #2: You and your wife have differing opinions on starting a family. She wants kids even though she is still a child herself and you do not. You are afraid that she will shut you out both emotionally and sexually if you voice your opinion. WWSPD?

Answer: Well, dude, you're in luck! Spencer has actually been in this very situation and handled it like a real pro. When your wife/girlfriend/potential babymama pressures you for the pitter-patter of little feet and all the pitter-pattering you want to hear are those associated with the feet of the other chick who's sneaking out the back door, all you have to do is pay a little visit to your local practitioner. A vasectomy isn't that big a deal, right? Totally reversible! Discuss it with your significant other? What's the point?! Let her think that her junk is all messed up and it's her fault that you can't conceive while you secretly pat yourselves on the proverbial balls knowing that you have taken care of any chance of having a little Spencer. Bonus? You can totally tell if she's cheating on you if she actually does get pregnant. Genius. And, in the words of Becky Hoyle, BONUS!!

We're getting good at this! Why not try one or two more, just to get the hang of it...

Scenario #3:

You seem to have a lot of trouble with people in general. Your friends have all turned against you, your own sister won't speak to you, your mother-in-law and sister-in-law are wishing you were an illegal alien so they could deport you and you are, for all intensive purposes, the butt of every joke and blog under the sun. Hmmm...WWSPD???

Answer: This is a tough one, but I think that Spencer is probably up for it! You should definitely go out in public wearing whatever you feel like wearing...flannel and a cowboy hat in 80 degree weather, army fatigues, remnants of Jerry Garcia's closet- just to show all those haters that you and your flesh-colored beard are relevant to this world and the perfect match for your wife. While on the subject of your wife, make sure that you have worn her down so that she is a mere shell of her former self. Maybe tell her how ugly she is and offer her 10 or 12 plastic surgery procedures to make her feel better. Since your goal is to further alienate people (who needs friends when your SP??), you should also pay the paparazzi to follow you around doing totally insane things. Finally, make sure you hire a totally unnecessary entourage of people to schedule your fake appointments and to deflect the random ninjas that may try to attack you on your way to Target or Pinkberry. A homeboy always has to have all of his bases covered.

I think you are almost fully schooled in the methods of WWSPD. Just to be sure, we better hit one more topic to fully integrate you into the ways of The Pratt.

Scenario #4: You have totally lost your mind. People tell you to your face that you are crazy. Totally random chicks in Munster, Indiana see your behavior and wonder what the F is wrong with you. Your wife looks like she could have spare car parts as appendages. She also no longer knows how to smile, laugh, or blink. For some reason, you don't feel like your world is spiraling out of control even though EVERY SINGLE PERSON AROUND YOU sees it happening and points it out in rude and inappropriate ways. Although you don't see what they see, you still wonder: WWSPD?

Answer: Whoo boy. This is a toughie. But, because you are thinking like a true Pratt, the answer is simple. First, spend as much money as you can on spiritual crystals. Wear as many crystals as possible on you at all times. Heck, hang crystals from your balls if you have to- they will get you through. Definitely don't shave your awesome scraggly beard or cut your hair. You can shower at will, which probably won't be very often. When people tell you you're crazy, yell back at them even louder that THEY'RE crazy and that THEY are the ones that are wrong. That seems to work every time. Finally, make sure that you make crazy allegations about co-workers sexually harassing your wife so that she is further alienated from any chances the both of you still have to make any money ever. If none of this works, take your crystals, your fake wife, and all of your bountiful knowledge and start a home for wayward children. Since they are easily influenced, you can start to hone your army of Spencers in the hopes of one day forcing the world to see the light.

I have to admit, this way of thinking may seem a little extreme. Give it a try- once you have seen the err of your ways and start doing things Pratt-style you will see a plethora of opportunities fall at your crystal-laden feet. If you ever need any advice, hit me up on the homeboy phone and don't buy any fake cubic zirconia engagement rings before asking yourself "Would Spencer buy this?" It's a way of life, my friends. Embrace it.