If I Trip Your Kid in Church...

...they probably deserved it. I know that I am not a parent, but that is not going to stop me from going apeshit on the parents of the kids in church who run around like they own the place. Um, bratty kids? GOD owns the place and as you are running amuck while the pastor is preaching, he is busy phoning the devil and creating a special place in Hell for you. Oh, and when you end up there? He's making sure you have no legs to run around and no voice box to drive the rest of Hell's patrons nuts. Consider yourself warned.

Let me back up because I feel like I am getting ahead of myself. John and I joined a great church with a PHENOMENAL pastor right after we got engaged. At first glance, I thought that this church would be perfect for us (and still do aside from what comes next). There were tons of partitioners, just the right mix of geriatrics vs youngins, and a good number of kids. In my naive eyes, the perfect family-friendly congregation. Kids in a congregation is what my home church had been missing. A few years ago, I went to my childhood church with my mom, dad, and brother and, upon glancing around the 46 people present for worship that Sunday I came to realize that my 24 year old brother was the youngest person present, me at 27 was the second youngest, and my Mom at almost 50 was the third. The average age of that congregation is 91.6 (or somewhere around there). I always knew that when I got married and found a church of my own, a range of ages was particularly important. I feel like I may eat my words.

The children in our congregation are cute on the surface, but absolutely INTOLERABLE during the service. A few months back, John and I arrived in church late and had to sit towards the back. Don't even ask me what was to be had from that service. All I heard were pee-wee voices whining about wanting snacks, kicking the back of our pews, and crying incessantly through the entire sermon. My blood was absolutely boiling by the time we left that day. The kids were old enough to know better, but what really gets me is the parents. Where in the world did they learn social manners that makes it acceptable to let your child cry through the entire sermon (when it is dead quiet aside from the pastor preaching) and not take them outside?? I understand that God may not mind that much and he loves us all whether we are quiet through The Message or not, but us common citizens are not so forgiving and may want to drown your child in the holy water before we are granted reprieve with the ending of the sermon.

This brings us to today. Church started off innocently enough. We had snagged a seat in the front third of the sanctuary and I had claimed a seat by the side aisle. We got through the confession and opening hymn when a whole gaggle of late-comers arrived with three young-ish girls. I would estimate their ages at 8, 6, and 5. I am not kidding when I say that not even five minutes after their caretakers had them situated, they were crawling up and down the side aisles distracting everyone who was sitting within five feet of their horseplay. And do you think whomever was supposed to be watching them said anything?? Nooooooo. They just let. them. go. Later, it was time for the sermon and the three of them were standing up (while everyone else in the congregation was sitting down) trading pencils back and forth and talking up a storm. Seriously? Their parents were RIGHT THERE. Finally, after the offering was taken, they were dancing up and down the side aisle and kept going back and forth by our pew, grabbing the sides to keep their balance. That is when this thought went through my head, "If I just stick out my foot and trip one of them, it will give them a shock and they will stop. If they're smart, it only takes one time and they'll learn." Good think Communion was right after this particular thought went through my head so I could ask for a little forgiveness. I have a feeling God knows where I am coming from.

So, again, I know I am not a parent and I will now probably be granted with truly intolerable children with no manners and a penchant for annoying everyone around them. But, before all of this happens, I am entering a plea to all parents who take their children to church:

1. Please take your kids out of the sanctuary if they are being obnoxious or crying, especially during the sermon. Some of us are actually trying to pay attention to what is going on and those old people do not appreciate an extra reason for their hearing aids to ring.

2. Make your kids stay in their pews unless a) they are going up for children's sermon or b) they are going out of the sanctuary for some pre-arranged "keep the children entertained during the sermon" program.

3. Teach your kids the art of whispering. The whole world will be happier.

Here ends my rant of proper kid/church etiquette. If you ignore my suggestions from above, then don't be surprised if I discreetly trip your kid as they run up and down the aisle by my pew next week. I'll apologize now, but I'm sure that the Big Guy upstairs won't disagree: they probably deserve it.