Why Do the Pervs and Ho-Bags Come Out When It's Warm?

I understand that the title of this blog may be a tad inappropriate but, seriously, every single person reading this knows what I am talking about. Where do I even begin? Ok, first of all, I spent all day in my office staring longingly out my window wishing I could be basking in the sunlight like the roly-poly construction workers I saw working on the MHS Aquatic Center of Glory. But nooo, I had to be chained to my computer, double-checking hundreds of schedules that my oh-so-considerate students will end up changing anyways. And, to make matters worse, the kids who marched through my office today were dressed like we live in Miami and had a date at the club DIRECTLY after school. A date so pressing that there wouldn't be time to go home to change before the rave started. Not kidding. The girls had shorts on that barely covered their hoo-has and tank tops that were so close to nipple range that I was flinching watching them breathe for fear something would pop out. Why is it that these high school girls feel the need to flaunt everything their mama gave them at one time? A note to high school girls everywhere- short skirt or low top....NEVER both...you want to come off as sexy, not like Heidi Fleiss's protege. And when I say girls in that previous statement, I mean girls 21 and older- anyone that still attends high school should not have parents who let them leave the HOUSE with anything remotely resembling what I just described. I am not kidding when I say that I saw a girl today wearing jean shorts with the pockets hanging out the bottom and cowboy boots. W.T.F. I left school thinking "If I ever have a girl, I hope she is a hermaphrodite so that she feels that she needs to cover all that junk up." Again, highly inappropriate.

Now on to my even bigger beef- the way-too-eager males that seem to crawl out of the gutter and directly into my path every time the temperature rises. As soon as it's warm enough to roll your windows down in the car, these eager gentlemen think it's OK to try to have a conversation with you while at a stoplight. Now tell me guys, exactly what do you think think you are going to accomplish with me in the length of a stoplight? And, just a note, rolling up next to someone and saying "Baby, I love you and I like the way you roll" is NOT the way to a woman's heart unless you're Ludacris and even then you're pushing it. I would love just once to be sitting at a stoplight next to one of these eager beavers and say back to him "Oh, baby, it's about time you rolled into my life. Shut off your car and take me right here right now." Of course, that will never happen because my usual reaction is to look over at them in total disgust, flash my wedding ring, and speed off as the light turns green only to be stopped at the next light 6 feet later with them directly beside me again. Way to give it to them. What I really want to yell is "Suck it douche bag!" as they eat the dust from my mega-fast Ford Explorer.

My next favorite type of potential sex offender is the one that has the balls to actually approach you in a public place. Perfect example: I was in Target today, minding my own business, picking up supplies for a little soiree we are having at work tomorrow, when I passed a guy and happened to glance his way on the way out of the store. "Why did you glance his way" you may ask. Answer: there was THE CUTEST yellow ruffled swimsuit directly behind him and it was love at first sight. Unfortunately, Mr. Creepy Pants took that as his cue to open his mouth and speak to me. Rico Suave actually stopped, pulled his sunglasses down his nose Miami Vice-style, and said "How you doin', ma'am?" First of all, this guy had a haircut that can only be described as Will Smith circa early Fresh Prince days. Second of all, "MA'AM?" Since when do I look 75? When I was single, there is NO FRIGGIN' WAY that I would have even taken a second GLANCE at someone that called me "ma'am." "Ma'am" should only be accompanied by "Can I help you and your groceries out to your car?" or "Yes, I did just hit my baseball through your window and I'm really friggin' sorry." So, for all you pervs out there who just HAVE to hit on random ladies buying tampons or other necessities at Target, here is a tip: saying "Hey ma'am, would you like to head back to my place and do it" is about as sexy as "Hey, you wanna come back to my place and look at the green stuff I have growing on my member?" Seriously. Not cool.

I can only imagine that the rest of the summer will hold more inappropriate comments posed by creepy looking dudes. Maybe I should take it as a compliment that they find me interesting enough to waste their breath. Until I muster the courage to say the things I really want to say, I will continue to smile politely and continue on my merry way believing that I am still a hot young bitch instead of a crusty old "ma'am" while coming to grips with the fact that I am sadly probably somewhere in between.