Suck It, Tyra Banks

For those of you who have read my America's Next Top Model recaps from last season on Facebook, it will come as no surprise that I am not Tyra Banks' biggest fan. The only person who may dislike Tyra more than me may be Joel McHale who, in many ways, is my personal hero. I just finished the newest episode of America's Next Top Model and it has reminded me of just how much I despise this amazon woman who thinks she is Oprah and acts like she should be committed. This blog will be dedicated to the rise and fall of a one Miss Tyra Banks as seen through the eyes of Chrisanne's Corner.

The first time I remember really knowing that Tyra Banks was a household name was back in college when she smiled up at me from the many Victoria's Secret fliers that rolled through our mailbox. There were four girls living in my undergraduate apartment all with Victoria's Secret credit cards (you know, for the essentials) so we got A LOT of mail from the joint. Even though Tyra should have been just another pretty face wearing lots of lacy underwear, she was different. She was exotic and somehow a little relatable. I can remember when E! did a profile on Victoria's Secret models and both Tyra and Heidi Klum were profiled. From the moment Tyra spoke in that profile, I cringed. I don't know what it was about her that made me wish she would just not talk, but it was even there way back then. Heidi Klum was so much more "the girl next door" and I found myself wishing that we could be best friends and model underwear together.

Fast-forward a few years to an early summer evening right after college graduation. Jess and I were trying to spend every spare minute we could together because she was leaving for grad school early and the 342 Crew only had a few more weeks intact. Jess and I spent many evenings snuggled in her bed watching TV and we stumbled across a little known reality show hosted by Tyra Banks called America's Next Top Model. We were instantly hooked. At that time, the sets were bare, the challenges were menial, and Nigel was just as sexy. Back in the glory days, we barely saw Tyra. She would pop up during judging, speak minimally, and fade into the background of every episode. But, as her powers grew stronger, so did her face time on ANTM. This is where the extreme dislike of this Tyrannical being started to grow.

As ANTM wore on, it grew cheesier and cheesier and Tyra grew crazier and crazier. The pinnacle of the craziness was when Tyra was granted yet ANOTHER TV show and became a cross between Oprah and Ricki Lake on the Tyra Banks Show. When I happened to catch her show, I saw everything from Top Model reunions to women with two vaginas to makeovers for trannies. As Tyra's fame grew, so did her waistband until one fateful day in early March 2007 some paparazzo hit the photo jackpot and caught a candid shot of Ty Ty in an awful one piece swimsuit on vacation in Hawaii looking VERY unlike a supermodel. The press had a heyday, but Tyra managed to turn it into the ultimate Girl Power moment of the year by losing weight and telling America to "Kiss my FAT ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" on national television. If you would like to have that whole seen re-enacted, please talk to Mrs. Rebecca Hoyle...she loves it.

With Tyra, when you lose the weight you inherit more crazy. From this crazy, Crazy Speak has been born. Tyra thinks that she is so important that she can just go and make up new words and expect us to understand them. Case in point: Smize. What the hell is "smize" you might ask? Um, smile with your eyes...duh. Note to Tyra- you can't just make up words! If this were true, Webster's Dictionary would be the top selling book in the world all the time because no would know what the heck they were talking about anymore. I can share with you the biggest reason I hate "smizing"- that very term butchered my driver's license picture. As I was going to renew my license last year, I stepped in front of the camera for my photo with a big smile plastered on my face. The lady taking the picture looked at me with an exasperated look and snarled, "No teeth, no smiles anymore." So, against my better judgement, I decided to smize. The lady snapped the picture, looked at my license, handed it over with a smirk and said, "I think we got it." I walked out of the BMV and glanced down at my new license...and literally gasped. I look like a grade A child molester. I look like I have the mumps and was just surprised by a naked hairy fat guy on my birthday. IT. IS. AWFUL. Thanks a lot, Tyra. Because of you and your stupid ideas, I have to smile hopefully at every bouncer in America while they scrutinize my picture in order to grant me entrance to their establishment. The worst thing that has happened to me since having my smizing license? Becky and I were at Trader Joe's around the Super Bowl and I picked up a pack of 312s for John. I of course had to show ID and the guy at the counter literally asked, "Is that really you??" I said, "I know, I know. Worst picture ever." The guy laughed, SHOWED IT TO THE GUY BEHIND ME, and goes, "Dude, this is pretty bad, right?" I am not lying. There are witnesses. Oh, and checkout guy? You work at Trader Joe's. If that's the only pleasure you get out of your life, then I feel sorry for you. At least you probably get a discount on all the awesome food there.

I know that my distaste for Tyra is not uncommon. As previously stated, my pretend best guy friend Joe McHale also can't stand her and takes great pleasure in ribbing her every chance he gets. Becky and Allison don't like Tyra either. Last spring break we were sitting around Becky's bedroom and we decided to play the ever-popular game of picking five celebrities that you would dethrone or maim if you had the chance. Popular answers included Tom Cruise (Becky hates that m-fer), Spencer Pratt, Dick Vitale, but the number one answer was always the same...TYRA BANKS. I'm not lying- I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to.

Here ends my rant on Tyra. I'm sure that if you knew her in person, she would be lovely. (cough, cough). But, I don't know her in person so for now I can pity anyone who does and hope that they don't get pulled down in the crazy downward spiral that seems to include her sanity.